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Today is Friday.

I haven’t written in a while; there was a flood in the lower floor of the house and we kind of had to demo part of the house to deal with the flood? And so… I’ve been having to do what I needed to do anyway, which was work on finding a place to move out to, so that we can sell the house, which needed to happen anyway. So I’ve been working on that, and job-searching.

Divorce is awful.

I haven’t been able to even read the news lately- I’ve hardly skimmed it. It’s overwhelming how many bad things there are that can be happening simultaneously.

My children are so wonderful.

I’ve been impressed lately, noting bravery in many people, and I’ve been trying to affirm it, even within myself, as I’ve been needing to be brave, whether or not I’ve wanted to be.

I’ve gotten to explore several regions of my county, and have discovered that it’s beautiful and diverse. I love the coast- especially the Eucalyptus trees and the rocky cliffs. I love the inland mountains, and the hills of gold and the cows and brush and farms. The agriculture and the orchards and the pain of people who no longer feel safe living here is something that comes to mind all the time, and I don’t really have words to encompass how horrific it is. I know Gavin Newsom has his flaws but I’ve been very grateful for his leadership through much of his time as Governor; he’s made California feel safer, at least, to me, while he’s been in charge. He’s been unafraid to stand up to Trump, which isn’t a small thing in today’s political climate. I’ve appreciated his vision for California being a place that’s safe for everyone who lives here, which should be so foundationally basic that it should not even need to be stated, and should be the case in every location.

I’ve felt distracted by my own problems, a lot of the time, lately, where it’s made it hard to find bandwidth to remember the suffering of others, and I want to shift my attention more than I have been. I’m also grieved by every moment that, due to the divorce process, my kids aren’t physically with me. I can’t even begin to describe the pain of how that feels. It feels also, like a taboo thing to admit; like one should be stoic and simply not state it, but it is horrible.

I can’t help but think, subsequently, that there are people being deported right now and separated from their children for years, and that our government is doing that to people, and it is not ok!!

I try to “look to the helpers,” as one does. I try to “be the helper,” as does fall to us, to be, when we can be. There is a great deal of suffering right now.

It’s difficult for me to write while all of this is happening, and part of me thinks I should stoicly not do so- or that it could display vulnerability for me to do so- or imply that, in any way, my priorities are not where they should be.

I don’t know if or how much I’ll write; but it does feel good to check in on occasion, just even briefly, for the creative and social connection. I’m going through some pretty awful things, right now. I hate being vague about it, like that. And it’s a simultaneous truth that others are also suffering, and also a simultaneous truth that we’re all fighting for the futures we want. I hate division, which makes the current personal events I’m going through especially difficult to navigate.

It’s the end of a school year. I hope that my teacher friends get some rest. I know students will be resting as much as they can, too.