masking

hi

tw: probably far too personal

so on the topic of masking… I can think about it all day. it was all very intellectually manageable. but I don’t know how to do it, and fundamentally am not sure I want to. I think I’ve survived throughout life with “when in doubt, be yourself,” which hasn’t usually steered me wrong, except for times when who I was was not cunning

I’m tired of making jokes about it. I say to myself, “I pity my therapist…” blah blah blah.

at the end of the day I don’t know how to operate when others do not care about me. I operate based on such a fervent and blind assumption that that’s what we all do. that we all care about each other. that of course we all care about each other. how could we not? isn’t that the most obvious thing, that when there is another person there, you will care about them?

going through a divorce isn’t just breaking me when it comes to the obvious reasons why it would. I cannot fathom any part of reality. in some ways I cannot fathom any part of the majority of the last 14 years. I’ve been stumbling through it, saying “there must be a reason for that” and “there must be a reason for that” and “there must be a reason for that” and the reason is never an adequate explanation

there are other things I’ve gone through, too.

I’ve had a number of people explain things to me at various points. like, explain even how predators of one type or another work, even

and like in the movie Big, I DON’T GET IT

I DON’T GET ANY OF IT.

I’ve had people accuse me of playing dumb, in the past. I’ve done that when I’ve wanted to not seem like a threat to someone, or needed someone’s help, but I cannot fathom a lack of empathy or a desire to harm in another person

it seems to me like something that cannot be real

and I think the truth is that it isn’t real

that we used words like “narcissism” and “psychopathy” for people who actually care a huge amount

but it’s people who are too scared to choose someone else over themselves when the choice is in front of them, maybe? am I in denial?

I CANNOT FATHOM IT

because every child cares 😭

and inside every single person is that child

which is why I don’t know how to stand up for myself very well

–

you know the thing where you’re supposed to picture a crowd in their underwear to get over stage fright?

I can’t stop seeing people as people with inner children, and I don’t know how to cope with conflict without gentleness being an initial gut response at least. not that I don’t get mad because I do, but I’m empathetic-mad. I’m let’s make a diagram about all the ways we feel mad

I’m so mad right now and I’m running into a wall of reality that I don’t know how to accept

and the reason is that the explanation that therapists provide, that friends provide, that anyone- anyone provides

rings “wrong” in my ears

that is the reason why I can’t accept it. it’s not because I’m in denial, though I tell myself I’m in denial.

it isn’t because I don’t think people are capable of doing bad things. it’s that I cannot believe in the death of anyone’s inner child. I cannot believe in a lack of empathy.

I think that people can oversimplify in their explanations of others, in order to draw strength. that we can make anyone into an “enemy.” therapists do this all the time. “believe their behavior.” someone recently repeated to me the phrase, “too little, too late.” it’s all code for BS!

I’m realizing that the reason I can’t get on board is not what I’ve said to myself for years- that I’m naive, too child-like. that I’m in denial. that I have something wrong with me. that I’m just… stupid.

NO.

it’s that I know it isn’t true. I know it isn’t true and I can’t make myself believe something that I know isn’t true.

and that is the bottom line.

everyone cares. even the people who don’t want to, or pretend not to.

there are no enemies.

there are no bad people.

there are no bad people.

it’s not faith, it’s fact.