impressing

what are you like when you are not trying to impress anyone? what happens then?

I almost always have someone in my mind who I’m afraid of disappointing, or afraid of having a negative emotion about me. One of the things I’m working on is learning to cope better with this fear and not let it control me.

I tend to get weirder, the less I fear. More cheesy. More creative. More calm, too. It’s like I’ll bubble and create more, initially, then reflect a lot.

I used to have this happen at spiritual retreats I’d go to- sort of a self-reflection cycle, and it was not because of freedom particularly, but it was due to confronting myself (which is what happens to me when I set aside what other people think). I used to go to Intervarsity Christian Fellowship-affiliated retrats, mainly. It would essentially feature a great deal of shame and repentence, followed by resolve and creativity, and journaling, sometimes journaling “to God,” and making lists of what I wanted to do in various parts of my life “to glorify God” – still motivated to please, but more centered than I walked in.

It’s terrifying to me to consider what I’d do if I stopped trying to please anyone, because of how angry I would feel. Anger isn’t an emotion I’m experienced with embracing. I use it, I harness it, I *….* I don’t shut it down. But I also don’t abide in it or fully express that I’m feeling it, because I’ll use very calm words to describe the fact that I am, indeed, feeling angry. I tend to act like a teacher, even when I’m alone. I compartmentalize and make lists, and think of what I can proactively do to prevent X and what I can do that will be productive about problem Y. It isn’t a bad coping strategy other than for the fact that it involves the avoidance of an emotion, at some level, due to how quickly I shift away from it and channel it into a different thing.

I’m not sure how to do something different. I actually don’t know how to, at least not easily. I’ve rage yelled like… one time, after hanging up the phone on someone who was refusing to take care of my unborn baby because we needed someone more specialized (a doctor… a complicated situation. and I was pregnant, which is partly why my emotions did that). Anyway it was two words I said. I can remember another time I yelled at a family member when I was maybe 10 yaers old. I really…. anyway anger isn’t something I’ve spent time in.

I write when I’m angry. I’ve written a whole lot about how I feel when I’m angry.

I wish someone could teach me how to be angry in a way that is a good thing. I think part of the problem is that I don’t know how anger can be expressed in a way that is a good thing. Honestly I think I would have judged Jesus- like- in the day- when he knocked over those tables? I’m not saying this is good but I’m saying my personality would have watched him do that and thought… “you know you could have used words.” And this is Jesus I’m talking about. So.

I’m admitting to a problem I have. This is a problem! I have a problem.

I have admitted my problem.

I need some help with it. I hope I’ll find someone who can help me with it. Are there anger therapists? Are there people who have written about this? Honestly reading about it will probably not help me, since I already do all kinds of calming things…. I don’t know.

Anyway this is a problem I’m interested in working on. I’ve seen abusive anger enough that now I don’t know what healthy anger is. That’s what it is, bottom line.

🙁

And the only anger I’ve ever seen is destructive.

And if I’m… ok this is pretty vulnerable to write

but

oh sheesh

(dear God please don’t smite me)

….

who cleaned up the tables that got knocked over? the money changers’ tables?

was it women?

maybe if I ever get to have a convo with Jesus I might ask him about that and whether he has any regrets or not

I hope I don’t get smote. truly

I’m sorry I’m just bringing this up as a real thing. this is a real thing. this is a really real thing. is there any expression of anger that is not destructive?

any healthy expression of it that does not break something?

what is the point of anger?

what is the purpose of it? what is its function?

how can it not make things worse than they already are

????

?!?!?!?!?!??!?

I’m serious about this

anyway I’m not trying to criticize Jesus I’m just asking it as a sincere question. I see lots of people look to that story as a reason to justify their own physical aggression (it’s nuts what people will justify…)

and I think of “holy wars” and what people will do in the name of religion… many religions….

I’m going to leave this as awkwardly as I’m feeling it right now. for fun!!!!!!!

(stare)

I feel like I should not post this!

because I want you to like me!

I’m posting it!!

(shit!)