catharine sometimes I feel like wearing a sign that says “I am not flirting I’m just friendly”.
flirting definition for the purpose of this post: indication of a desire for something to progress beyond friendship
I’ve read articles after articles most of my life from adolescence up, attempting to identify what flirting even is.
According to some, playfulness is flirting. Then how is one to play?
According to some, eye contact is flirting. Then how is one to make eye contact, exactly?
I have been interpreted as flirting, in-person, simply existing as a person who also makes eye contact and smiles.
People think they can tell the difference between a “flirting smile” and a “friendly smile” and you know what I say? They are all just smiles. In my experience, in some environments (ie a club) where people are *looking*, any smile at all will be interpretted as flirting, so it’s better to truly act standoffish.
So, context, to me, basically either creates a situation in which nearly all interpersonal contact will be interpreted as flirting, or not.
And so, barring a club or a bar or some other obvious “if you are here, stare at your feet unless you want to be interpreted as flirting” situation, the question then becomes, “in what situation can one exist and not be interpreted as flirting?”
Here’s what I’ve got:
1. Situations in which one is wearing a mask covering the entirity of one’s face. These are relatively safe. A masquerade, a surgical ward. Wearing an N95 respirator. These are excellent ways to completly avoid the appearance of flirting, and you can even make eye contact, and avoid it! You can even smile.
2.
You’d think church would be on the list, but no. You’d think your family home would be on the list, but no. Being married doesn’t fix it, either.
If you happen to intentionally look exceptionally unattractive, and just lean into it- scrambled egg on your face, don’t brush your hair, then you can also fall into the “might as well be wearing a mask” protection.
It’s truly impossible, in my experience, to navigate as a situation, at least in hetero interactions, as a woman.
Sometimes I’ve felt successful by, quite literally defining the relationship with words. That’s it, though, and not always.
I think that part of the problem is that anything that is outside the norm for how people will tend to interact is attention-getting as “this is unusual activity, there must be a reason for it.” And if the norm for usual activity is “people acting indifferent to each other,” then that is the standard.
I’ve experienced the in-person “I am not flirting with you” vibes from men, and it is typically- the avoidance of eye contact, and the avoidance of all interaction in general. And I’ve read in lots of places that that’s what hetero men expect from women, too- essentially, to avoid all interaction unless one is flirting.
This means that you literally cannot interact with the opposite sex, though, if you are hetero, and abide by the communication norm, if you are not flirting. And so if someone chooses to simply interact, at all, they’re beginning to break the norm, and if they not only interact, they make eye contact (as humans tend to do), then they’re breaking the norm even more, and if they make eye contact and smile (they’re breaking the norm up a bit more), and if they make eye contact, smile, ask inquisitive, detailed questions, and are fun/playful, they’re essentially dumping a bucket of “I have never been treated by anyone in my entire life other than my elementary school best friend, my dog, and my therapist this way” on most people. Which then gets often interpreted as “they must be flirting!” Which is SAD.
I’m not really sure what the point of this is, other than to say it. It’s painful to be interpreted as flirting when one is not; it’s also painful to be the recipient of that. It’s painful for everyone. This is a bad dynamic, and I know I’m not the only person who has had this go wrong.
I think back to when I was single, and how I flirted, and it was typically this (once I got past the middle school years in which I basically did nothing and hoped telepathy would work): asking someone out. I once met someone while I was playing the piano, in a common area; he walked by with a friend, stopped, and listened for a while. We smiled at each other, I felt a spark, I caught his name, looked him up on Facebook, sent a friend request, and messaged that we should hang out sometime. We dated for like 4 months.
That was pretty clear. I kind of left the ball in his court as what “hanging out” would mean- if he’d wanted to see me in a platonic way, he might have suggested hanging out with him and a bazillion other people at some loud event where we’d hardly talk, but he responded with seeking individual interactions.
Anyway. I’m trying to think how else.
There was physical touch flirting through partner dancing. I remember that happening in college, and it resulting in a date. Lingering a bit longer than was necessary, basically.
That’s it though. Pretty much all other interactions I can think of that went into that category had to get officially brought into that zone by the other person, because of all the social rules I was trying to play by, including the one where (antiquatedly) women don’t initiate.
Not sure why I’m writing this other than I really do kind of want to hold a sign, sometimes, because the way I interact with people is unusual, typically. I’m friendly, direct, personal. I go above and beyond the norm. I try to really make people feel loved and cared for, when I make that decision about a person. And it truly is only ever intended to communicate love and care. In the platonic modes. I’m a human being, naturally, but intentional flirting? Is never any of those things, for me.
I’ve blamed myself for the problems this causes, for most of my adulthood, but I’ve realized in recent years that it is simply impossible, to do things that are outside of the norm, and not have people wonder if that’s what it means, especially while potentially oversharing occasionally publicly on social media. Especially if one doesn’t happen to have scrambled egg on their face, and shares their face.
Feeling attracted to someone isn’t the same thing as flirting with them, either. Another distinction that people often skip.
It’s tempting to say that none of it matters, but it actually matters a huge amount. People get hurt, around this topic.
I’m trying to think if I ever (in my past) thought someone was flirting with me who turned out not to be. Not that I ever confirmed, no.
Something I’m really curious about is, for the people who are now doing online dating (something I can’t fathom, really), has this gotten harder or easier? Does the context in which one swipes right or left just automatically take care of the intiial question issue? Maybe it’s better, in some ways, for a context to be beyond clear. Any interaction at all, in a dating app, for example, should definitely be interpreted as flirting, because why else are you there? It’s like a bar or a club, or a speed dating event. Some parties might be like that too. Obviously there’s variation for each of these. You know what I mean, though, right? Situations where most people are looking.
*sigh*
I think there’s something that bothers me about this. It’s that- without a sign, it can be difficult to simply exist as a human without scrambled egg on their face, to be kind, and friendly, and not miscommunicate, because of the social norms around this. It makes me angry. Because I actually hope to see the standard for human interaction rise beyond even just casual friendliness- which often already is too abormal to avoid misinterpretation.
I want to hope for human interaction to get to a place where people are freed to be their inner kids- like at the end of an emotional summer camp, in that glow. Not just “hello, I am a human, I have made eye contact and been polite, moving on now” but asking a curious question about someone’s day, and having that be the norm for everyone. Having caring be the norm. Do you know what I mean? Actually noticing people be the norm.
How can you have actually noticing people be the norm
and avoid being interpreted as intentionally breaking a norm to communicate *something else* (flirting)
when the norm is … nothing, or coldness, callousness, aggression, even.
?
I’ve tried the “if you’re in a group it fixes it” thing. I’ve tried the “if you have a DTR it fixes it” thing. None of these things prevent the misunderstanding, not really, and in fact sometimes can create it- ie a DTR. Some people see having a DTR as evidence already of someone having interest.
!
I think the only real solution to this problem is for the standard to be raised for everything- the standard to be raised for human interaction to include non-sexual things that are good: eye contact, smiling, play. None of these things are sexual. And to also raise the standard for sexual human interaction to be obviously so: asking someone out, etc. Going to a location (dating app, bar, etc) where the assumption is going to be that any interaction is sexual. Letting the context make things obvious, or making the content make things obvious, but in the absense of an obvious context and the absense of obvious content, the interpretation to logically lead to: this is a human interaction due to there being humans involved in this interaction and there is nothing sexual about this.
?
What do you think?
Raising the standard for flirting beyond “acknowledges the existence of another person” makes it possible, then, to acknkowledge the existence of another person without it providing miscommunication.
The only alternative I see, is to, quite literally, hide, which is sad. It makes sense to avoid places where the context (ie bar) will say “you are here for this assumed reason” (and there are ways to mitiage, of course- to go out with your SO, for example, or only interact with genders/orientations you aren’t attracted to, and they know it)… but aside from avoiding those obvious situations? Current social norms really, truly, and deeply screw people over. They screw people over who want to simply be kind and notice people for the human they are, and they screw people over who receive miscommunication.
😐
I think that flirting should be re-defined by society to only include behaviors that do not also serve non-sexual, normal human interaction functions (in an ideal world, I dream).
This is when flirting is defined as “indication of a desire for something to progress beyond friendship” which, I realize, is not the only definition of flirting that exists; some would say that flirting does not necessarily indicate this. There are probably two divisions within it, if one wants to get technical- flirting that does not indicate this, and flirting that does. I’m talking about flirting that does. That’s the kind that hurts people the most, I think, so it’s probably the one that’s more important to elucidate.
