catharine I had a realization when I woke up this morning. It probably will sound very naive.
My realization is that I’ve idealized a certain version of integrity in which all layers of a person match. It’s not a bad thing.
My realization is that it isn’t the only way that is genuine or that is valid or… good, even. In fact sometimes it’s bad to have all layers of a person match, depending on what the environment is that that person is in. It might not be safe, it might not be profiessional, it might not be appropriate.
This is obvious and self evident. I mean. Naturally I’ve always accepted a certain level of this in myself to navigate things like professionalism, boundary differences in different types of relationships, etc.
but I think I’ve avoided a whole lot of situations, and even opportunities, due to this deep belief I’ve carried in the importance of integrity going through all layers of a person. It’s partly why I chose the career I did- because I thought I was capable of doing it while maintaining that consistency. You can bit of an idealistic geeky nut and still be professional as a teacher. (I had considered seeking to become a therapist or psychologist, briefly, but realized I didn’t want to have to do the emotional distancing that is necessary in order to be able to do a good job at either of those things).
anyway my morning realization was that the concept of masking doesn’t mean fake or having a lack of integrity, but may simply be a carefully chosen tool to survive and even to thrive in certain environments. that if they are chosen, and reflect goals and motivations that are real, they are simply tools.
anyway this was a very simple, potentially obvious, realization to me. I’ve maintained a child-like, child-hearted (in a way) version of myself that I’ve protected, at some level, becasue of this value I’ve held of not wanting to lose that person and wanting integrity to include all of my layers. I only ever chose the roles of choir teacher and mom, because I felt both of those things could be integrated with minimal masks. There still were some, naturally, but the integration felt very tight from layer to layer.
I’m realizing I’ve limited myself to roles in life that are creative and caregiving in order to respect this value, and that that might reflect limits I carry that aren’t necessary to carry, and could even prevent me from functionality I might otherwise have.
*!*
so I realized I blame much of my limitation on society that probably just comes from me.
hmm.
lastly, I was thinking about people like Jane Austen and a myriad of painters/artists who I know had their art flourish while experiencing negative life situations that required them to splinter, in some ways, or mask, and how that’s extremely normal for people, in fact, it’s extremely abnormal for someone not to be like that. it’s the rarity for someone to not be so heavily masked that it takes forever to unearth them
I guess I’m just realizing that I limit myself a lot, and I’ve judged myself into limiting myself, and also that there are tools I’m not utilizing that I could utilize, and also that they don’t necessarily stand in the way of creativity, but might even bolster it, if I learn how to reach byond the confines I’ve given myself of a narrow version of authenticity/integration
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I remember listening to an interview I think (?) where Taylor (Swift) was talking to us about how when she wrote Death By a Thousand Cuts, it was the first song she had written that wasn’t about herself, but about pretend people, and that this was a really big deal for her because she wanted to prove to herself that she could do it. And then she went on to create a number of albums centered on fictional people.
I think about Tom Hanks and whenever it was that he decided he could play a villain in some films
I’m feeling inspired by 4s (maybe?) who have gone before me in challenging what authenticity means.
LOL
Taylor at least, had to really crash out to get to that point. Did Tom Hanks ever had a bleached blonde phase? I feel like he did not.
This is probably far too personal to put on my blog but the other person I get inspired by all the time is Zooey Deschanel, who I just adore. She has coped with this differently; I see her not as shifting, in some ways, after she briefly did when she had kids and started Lettuce Grow (which is why I’m into hydroponic gardening now). I have so many questions for her about how she’s survived.
Two other women I’ve been touched by the art of are Britney Spears (who on a carpool karaoke video– which I’m convinced is one of the best interview methods ever tried- talked about being done with men. I want to know why she is done with men) and Lady Gaga, who is in some ways the most literally-masked artist the world has seen…. ever? maybe ever?
when people ask “if you could interview someone, who would you interview?” a bunch of these people come to mind. wanting to know how they’ve navigated this question of authenticity in their artistic expression feels so huge to me, for some reason, as a question I want to explore. Some artists seem to explode or implode when faced with it; there seems to be a crisis-point that you either survive or you don’t. I’m not going to name them but there are a lot of artists I can think of who seem to implode when they reach this crisis of identiy and mask navigation- people who get destroyed by the attention paid to them, mostly
one reason why I love reading books by the Obamas is the way that both of them seem to have nailed the “integration of self presentation with purpose” connection. I wonder if politicians have a somewhat more direct manner of doing this, because they may have focus honed by principles, rather than a creative spark? it’s a question I have. Hillary Clinton is another person I’ve tried to learn from when it comes to this, as I’ve seen her very obvious shifts in self-presentation to try to survive in a “man’s world,” yet she’s still remained herself
I was going to stop writing this but realized I also want to simply note the spark of love that is Robin Williams, and state clearly who and what he represents to me. I feel like he was a soul-hero to so many people with the energy he brought to life. I’m so sad he was alone when he needed someone to be there for him in the same way he was there for others. I wonder how he’d answer questions about masking. Maybe he’s my new answer to the question, “who would you have coffee with, dead or alive?”
who are you inspired by in your life journey? who has crossed the rivers in front of you?
